Success Key: Drop the “Blame Game”
Playing the “Blame Game,” on the other hand, is destructive and dis-Empowering. Every time you seek to unjustly assess blame where it doesn’t belong, you effectively hand over Control to outside factors. You relinquish Control and become a slave to that which you blame. The “blameworthy” person, event or circumstance now owns you – at the very least, in YOUR Mind! You are not in Control. Now, why would you do that?
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Success Key No. 35: Drop the "Blame Game" and Empower Yourself to Succeed
We all do it – some more than others – but assessing “blame” is a common human reaction when matters don’t turn out the way we want.
No wonder. In this complicated modern world, it is easy to blame others for many of the conditions and strife we encounter. We blame the government, politics, our parents, our children, religion, foreign countries, our superiors, Republicans, Democrats, the Supreme Court, liberals, conservatives, criminals, the wealthy, the poor, Wall Street, insurance companies . . . . .
I could go on, but I am sure you get the point. It seems that everyone at all levels these days is engaging in a constant Game of Blame. “It is everyone else’s fault – NOT mine!”
Guilty as charged, Your Honor.
Playing the “Blame Game,” i.e., assessing blame against others where: 1) the subject of our blame is truly not at fault and/or responsible and/or 2) the real responsibility lies within ourselves, is an absolute death knell to attaining Success and Growth.
I am only a Student of Success, but this much I have learned: As long as I engage in the Blame Game, by assessing blame on other individuals and/or external events, I am not progressing towards Success. Nor am I building Character and Leadership – two ecumenical traits to the attainment of extraordinary levels of Success.
True Leaders do not blame. And, the greatest Leaders are those who have the ability to attain the highest levels of Success, for they have the ability to motivate others towards the attainment of their goal.
But, what is “blame?” And, how is assessing “blame” different from there being a legitimate “reason,” the latter of which is the cause of an effect? And, what is an “excuse?”
Understanding the differences is crucial.
Let’s use a simple hypothetical to demonstrate the differences between “blame,” “reason” and “excuse.”
The weather predictions for yesterday and today in the Northeast U.S. have been dire, with heavy rain and high wind. In fact, we are told by the weather experts that we are having our first Nor’easter of the new season. If predictions hold true (but already it appears that the weather event has been oversold – at least in the State of New Jersey), we may even experience some creek and stream flooding, particularly because the water saturation levels in the ground are already high from recent rainfall.
And, so, in our example, it rains. And, it rains very hard, causing some flooding. The Assumpink River rises above flood stage, and water pours into the basements of some homes located along the river.
This is a classic case of pure “cause and effect.” Heavy rains cause the river to flood, which, in turn, cause flood waters to flow into the basements. This is a simple fact and no human interpretation is required to understand what is happening. The “reason” for the water in the basement is because the swollen Assumpink River has flooded after a record-setting 6 inches of rain in 12 hours.
Notice that in this example we are dealing with simple observed “cause and effect” facts. The “reason” for the effect (flooded basement) is a cause (6 inches of rain causing the river to rise above its banks). There is no “blame” here; only a “cause and effect” reason for the basement flooding.
Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with noting a factual reason (cause: flooding rains and river) for the occurrence of an event (effect: flooded basements). In fact, science and human logic depends on it. If we were not able to make such “cause and effect” observations, we would not have been able to advance as a civilized species.
The key here is to understand that there is no shifting of fault, responsibility, etc. It just is.
Not, let’s continue with this same hypothetical, but now bringing some of the “Blame Game” into the picture.
I am an avid outdoorsman. I LOVE to hike, hunt, fish, camp, ski (or used to, anyways) . . . anything outdoors, ever since I was a young boy. It so happens that I made plans to take my son on his first small game hunting expedition this weekend, but the rain is now a variable that I must take into account. After all, it will be rainy and cold – raw – and that’s not fun for a young fellow out on his first hunt. Besides, animals dislike bad weather as much as humans and will most certainly be hunkered down and out of sight.
So, we end up not going hunting, and in offering my “explanation” to my son, I “blame” the weather for ruining the weekend. My son is upset, too, and because – like father, like son – he also blames the weather for ruining our plans. We have been looking forward to this day for weeks and the weather is at fault for ruining what would have been a great experience.
Really? Who ruined what? The weather is just the weather.
Unlike the first scenario, where the flooded river and flooded basements were a direct causal effect of the heavy rain – a natural, factual causal relationship – our not going hunting is not. In truth, I DECIDED not to go hunting. The fact of the matter is that we still could have gone hunting – rain or not. As such, the true responsibility for the fact that we did not go hunting is because I made that decision. The rain didn’t.
By assessing fault on the rain and not accepting personal responsibility for the decision that I made, I have laid blame on the weather. That, in a very simple hypothetical, is playing the Blame Game.
True Leaders do not blame. And, the greatest Leaders are those who have the ability to attain the highest levels of Success, for they have the ability to motivate others towards the attainment of their goal.
If I was honest about it, I would tell my son that the REASON we are not going is because I don’t want to go hunting in the cold rain and I am fearful that he might not like it under such adverse conditions. (He would probably respond, “So what, Dad, let’s go anyways!). With that approach, I state the REASON as to why we are not going on our planned trip. There is no blame. I accept responsibility for my Decision and Actions. And, who knows – we may still go and he may have the best time just being with Dad.
Remember, blaming is shifting responsibility from you (where it rightly belongs) to a third party or event. I could blame the weather or I could accept responsibility for MY Decision. Yes, the weather may have been a consideration in my Decision, but it is still my Decision nonetheless.
The above hunting example may seem like splitting hairs. And, to some degree we are, for the differences in how I respond to the adverse weather conditions and our planned hunting trip are subtle. Indeed, the end result may be the same: in either case, we do not go on our planned trip.
But, understand that the mindset between both approaches is profoundly different and over time would have a significant impact on how we accept responsibility for our Decisions and Actions, shape our lives, and achieve our Goals and attain Success. We need to be mindful at all times and guard the portal of our conscious thought processes. That means, even in the most “innocuous” situations – perhaps like the hunting weekend example – we must not play the “Blame Game.”
So, why do we blame?
First, it’s easy. It is human nature to not want to accept responsibility for Decisions and Actions that may be unpopular with others – or even ourselves.
Second, when we can “blame” a third party or external event or circumstance, it makes us right and the other (person, group, entity or event) wrong (blameworthy). Again, it is human nature to want to be right – and usually all of the time. Self righteousness is very powerful and deep-rooted.
Third, similar to number two, blaming justifies negative feelings, thoughts and emotions. Being angry or upset is “justified” when somebody else is to blame. We’ve been wronged, darn it, and we have every right to feel miserable.
Fourth, assessing blame can quickly resolve individual indecision. Don’t know what to do in a particular situation? Make a “decision,” but blame your decision (and the predicament “causing” your indecision) on someone or something else. Assessing blame gives you an easy out – especially if you made the wrong decision.
True Leaders never play the Blame Game. True Leaders accept responsibility for ALL of their decisions and for the decisions and actions of those under their command (a private reprimand may be in order, however).
Take a great football coach. In the postgame press conference after his team has suffered a brutal loss, a true Leader coach will never blame any particular player or players. Instead, we hear such phrases as “we failed to establish our ground game,” or “we could not contain our opponent’s pass rush,” or “we committed too many turnovers and failed to convert when in the red zone.”
No blame; just simple “cause and effect” facts, i.e., reasons why the team lost the game (shortcomings that will no doubt be addressed in the upcoming week’s practice). A true Leader coach will further accept FULL responsibility for these shortcomings by his team. After all, he is the coach, the leader of the team, and it is his job to coach the team to victories.
A true Leader will also not offer excuses. Excuses? What are excuses?
Excuses are assessments of blame that are “dressed up” to look and sound like “cause and effect” reasons. But, they’re really not.
How can you tell when someone is feeding you an excuse (or you are using one, yourself)? Listen for the word “but.”
“I’m sorry I am late, BUT . . .” (The other person’ doesn’t care WHY you are late. All that matters is that you showed up an hour late for an appointment and greatly inconvenienced the other person. Accept responsibility for your shortcoming. Don’t attempt to assess blame on some other factor.)
“I would love to help, BUT . . .” (Nobody wants to hear how much you would LOVE to help them, only to be told “but.” If you have another commitment, just say so. If it is a situation where you don’t WANT to help, then maybe you need to ask yourself WHY. If you cannot provide a truthful response on the spot, advise the other person that you have other considerations and that you will get back to them promptly – and do it. But, don’t feed BS excuses).
All of this does not mean that you cannot properly assess fault against or responsibility with another human being. If I sneak up behind you and hit you in the back of the head, you would be darn proper to say “That guy just smacked me in the back of the head.” That is because it is a true cause and effect event. Just don’t blame me as the “reason” when you arrive home mad and take your anger out on your spouse and children.
What does all of this have to do with achieving Goals and attaining Success? Everything.
If you truly, honestly and sincerely Desire to achieve your Goals, attain Success and generate Wealth, you will not be able to do so as long as you engage in Blame Game antics. It is a simple matter of accepting responsibility for YOUR Actions, Decisions, Feelings and Thoughts and not seeking to find fault, i.e., “blameworthiness,” in other individuals or events or circumstances for what rightly belongs to you.
Accepting full Responsibility for your present results is profoundly Empowering. You take Control of your Life and become the Director of your future. Nobody else is to blame or is responsible – only you. How Powerful!
Playing the “Blame Game,” on the other hand, is destructive and dis-Empowering. Every time you seek to unjustly assess blame where it doesn’t belong, you effectively hand over Control to outside factors. You relinquish Control and become a slave to that which you blame. The “blameworthy” person, event or circumstance now owns you – at the very least, in YOUR Mind! You are not in Control. Now, why would you do that?
Successful individuals don’t blame. They accept responsibility for their Thoughts, Feelings, Decisions and Actions. If they make a mistake and are wrong – they own it, learn from it, and move on. There is huge Power in that – Power that can propel you to Success.
Blame cannot help you achieve Success. It can only hurt and dis-Empower you from attaining the Success that you Desire and deserve.
Until next time . . . .
Peace Out, and - Namasté!
To your Health, Wealth, Prosperity and Success,
The Success Manual Team
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